Dear Nice Husband

Dear Nice Husband,
While we have known each other for several years, I know it takes more than a lifetime to learn all there is to know about someone. We learn new things about each other every day, even as we get to know each other more and more. Yet, somewhere in between the whole courtship and dating thing and learning about each other, you missed lesson number 1324987 about your dear wife, the love of your life and your best friend. That would be the lesson where you are strictly forbidden from turning the channel and then promptly taking turns making fun of me and looking at me like I am crazy when there are baby sloths on television, especially baby sloths crawling around and making baby sloth noises before going to sleep in a new tree.

I know this was an honest omission on your part and that we will, incha Allah, have many years of learning about each other. However it is my duty to remind you, as we are in a transparent and giving relationship, that Lesson Number 1324987, alinéa 4b, mentions that you also shouldn’t ask me if I love you or baby sloths more while the baby sloths are still in my line of sight and making baby sloth cooing noises. You don’t want to get your feelings hurt.

I feel I also need to gently remind you about lesson 68982341, where you shouldn’t act confused because I don’t know how to walk especially because I tripped and fell flat on my face for no good reason on a flat surface only the second time we ever saw each other so you can’t say you weren’t warned and you had ample time to in fact find a spouse who could walk like an adult and not like your average 10 month old.

Lesson number 34261237653245 is that just because a song or a show is in English does not mean I know the words, especially if I am not listening or paying attention. In fact, many times you know the words and dialogue in English better than I do macha Allah. If it is a tv song from the 80s and I tell you I don’t know the words, repeating it to me is not going to work, because if I knew the words it would be because I would have figured them out in the 80s. Some things I just can’t understand.

In fact, speaking of English, I also feel the need to let you know again about lesson 76531123. I like to think I have a rather broad vocabulary in French; however, just because I know the word in French does not mean there is a specific English translation. Also, it is highly likely that a very specific noun in French may be commonly used in normal conversation whereas in English a more general noun would be use. This is most likely when talking about trees, birds, fish and the like. So if you ask me what a “Désespoir du singe” is, I am most likely to tell you that we call those “trees” in English and not give you the more specific term. Ditto for multicolored birds.

Thank you for listening, and I promise not to crack any Barack Obama jokes,
Your Loving Wife.

Tags : just so you know