Ok since I am surrounded by major tools with no respect…

…then you guys need to give me props for pulling off a major Ugly Betty stunt at work for which I got ZERO credit or props.  Tools, I tell you, the lot of them.

One of my bosses often has to go to random and obscure countries on what are affectionately known as “Rock Star World Tours.”  And in a private jet, natch. So the only drama for me involves getting visas for these random and obscure countries.

This week, I pulled off a major coup.  At my old job, I often had to get visas for people, so I know the tricks, I know how to act at the embassy, I know how to fill out the forms and I know how to get all the little random papers they want. I am the queen of official paperwork.  So when Bossman “forgot” to tell me he was going to Elbonia until last Monday then didn’t hand me the passport until Tuesday, I didn’t sweat it. Even though he leaves this Monday for Elbonia.

 I sent off his passport on Tuesday evening. All the paperwork got to the Random Embassy on Thursday (not my fault). Visa processing time for Elbonia is five to seven days.

The Secretary to the Stars, Assistant to Chief Rockstar Executive (bka the boss of my boss) said it could not be done, and was doubly dubious when there was a paperwork mess up on Thursday evening.

I got Bossman that visa.  He had it in his hot little hands in a turnaround time of 2.5 days, with actual processing time of around eight hours (instead of the seven days it takes for normal people) and he had a year-long multiple-entry visa to boot.  Instead of recognizing my Ugly Betty Greatness, he sighed and said thank you and wished me a good weekend.  Tool. Even the most cold-hearted of bosses would have feigned enthusiasm for that.  Considering I pulled a visa out of my [censored]  a hat and all that.

And I got my other Bossman (who sooooooooooooooo did not deserve me standing out in the freezing cold for three hours on a broken ankle) another one from another random and obscure place, and negotiated two days off the turnaround time on that one, as well.  Does he care?  Nooooo. He only cares that he get his random and obscure visa, don’t confuse him with the petty details of how it was done because I am a crap assistant anyway.

At least Ugly Betty’s boss gives her a high five from time to time.  I am not asking for these people to kiss up to me, but a little recognition of my mad skeelz would go a long way.

And since I want to share the love, let me give you Rock Star Visa Tips:

1. Fill out the form in the same color ink.  If you have to add or edit something at the embassy, bring the pen you filled out the form with. 

2. Bring random papers you know they won’t need just to pad the dossier. Your high school diploma, anything. Also make sure you have everything they ask for, in triplicate.  If you don’t have a paper that they ostensibly want, DO NOT SAY IT OUT LOUD when you hand the nice civil servant your dossier.  If you don’t talk about it, you don’t put the civil servant on the spot, and chances are good that your visa will get processed anyway.  This happened to me today. I went there knowing I was missing a form. I kept my mouth shut and got the visa. If the missing document is mentioned, find out what it is and offer to fax it there later in the same day.

3. There are two schools of thought to using courier services (people specialized in getting visas).  If you have to have a quick turnaround, they can help as they know most of the embassies’ staff and can also make sure you have everything done correctly. However if you never go, you don’t get familiar with the staff and thus the staff are less likely to cut you a favor if they don’t know who you are.  I also find courier services expensive. I only use courier services if I am totally up a creek (like I was with this week’s visa to Elbonia). If I have a week or so to process I prefer to go myself.

4. Whatever you do, don’t complain in line, don’t say snarky things about the guard (he is the gatekeeper after all) and under no circumstances get snarky with the person at the counter. The next time you need a visa you will be begging this same person for mercy.  I am not saying kiss butt, but if you adopt a non-confrontational attitude from the outset, you will never be in a position to have to bring your self down to butt kissing. Flash everyone big monkey smiles. The best posture to adopt is mildly stupid and cheerful. That way they assume that you are too dumb to be run around in circles, and even if your dossier is incomplete, they figure that whoever you are getting the visa for must be safe, because Mafia types would never have minions not on the up and up.  Happy. Think happy bunnies. Embrace your inner happy bunny.

5. If you wind up having to wait in line, I suggest against bringing books because people reading stop paying attention to what is around when they have their nose in a book, and then people can cut in front of you or you risk making the civil servant wait.  Bring an audiobook or a podcast instead and keep your head up and eyes open.

6. Dress comfortably and ready to stand around or sit in uncomfortable chairs. Bring a bottle of water and a snack.  You never know how long you are going to be anywhere, so don’t plan to hop off to the Elbonian embassy for an hour and then come back to work for an appointment.  Not gonna happen and you are just going to freak out. Speaking of standing around, a lot of embassies have visa lines that start well before the embassy opens.  In my experience, I have never gotten past  the gate if I showed up at opening time.  Give yourself at least an hour before it opens to secure a good spot in line. 

7. Send someone else to do it for you. Believe it or not, civil servants do have hearts, and your pitiful secretary going there crying about how you are going to fire her if she doesn’t bring your passport back with a shiny new visa in it does indeed stir compassion in their otherwise black hearts.  It’s more drama (and more people they have to fool with in a given day) for them if someone has to come back three or four times for the same dossier, so even if something is slightly messed up or you are missing forms, if you get a minion to do it for you, chances are high the staff will look over minor issues because they don’t want drama. Trust. This also works if you are peddling for special favors like a shorter processing time.

There, now I feel better.

Tags : Rock Stars in Elbonia, tools, top visa tips